After Thoughts

I definitely have been struggling being home. I think there are many reasons why. The easiest one to think of is I miss my friends I made there. I was never lonely and everyone got along well together. I miss the kids at the orphanage. I miss the people in town. All the little children running after us yelling "Yevu! Yevu!" and waving to us. I miss the smiling faces and the warm greetings. I miss the slowed down pace of life. When some one greets you, how they generally are concerned with how you are doing. I miss the love I found and felt while in Hohoe.

I have this sense that I just abandoned everything that I worked so hard for over there. I just got on a plane and went home. There is a strange feeling as if some how that world really doesn't exist while I am in the States. It was a Disney ride, a side show attraction during "It's A Small World After All". It almost feels like I read someone else's great novel about their trip to Africa.

I wanted to go on this trip because the truth is I wanted to run away. I was feeling a little "stuck". Not that my life was bad by any means, but I just didn't feel like I was going down the path that my destiny called for. I was treading water and not making much progress.

Spending 5 weeks in Hohoe was so much more than I ever planned for. I knew I would come back a changed person, but never could I have imagined HOW changed I would be and in what ways. I have changed. My view on the world has changed. What I ultimately want out of life has changed. How I view myself, how I view my friends, it's all changed. Katie and I were catching up after I had gotten back. I explained most of this to her and she said something that I thought was very observant and poignant, "When you went to Africa, you made yourself 100% vulnerable." She was so right. For all my life I have always had this wall up around my heart. Just with in the past few years, I have been working hard on breaking down those walls and allowing people in closer than just an arms length. When I went to Ghana, I told myself that this was a new chapter, no one knew me or my past. No one was going to have any preconceived notions about me. I was going to be as true to myself as I possibly could be. And I was. And BECAUSE I was being true to myself and being 100% vulnerable, I was able to experience the most amazing things. Namely: people who loved me for being myself. And in return I was able to enjoy what they brought to the table. It was a win-win.

Then the moment I stepped back onto US soil I realized something: I changed. My life, however, did NOT. I took a hiatus from life. But all of those problems that I had with it did not go away magically. Nor did the day to day stress of work, school, tuition, car payments. It all was waiting for me when I returned.

It has been so much more difficult readjusting to the American lifestyle than it was incorporating into the "Ghana Time" lifestyle. I was so used to running around, going here, making sure I was on time there (okay as close to on time as possible), work, school, school, work, make dinner, run Jamie to somewhere, sleep, do it all over again. If I wasn't busy, I was making lists of things to do in my head. Then while in Hohoe, I learned to slow down. Enjoy the 10 min walk it takes you to get to the Internet. Say hello to the people in the community. Go and play soccer with the children when they ask you to along your journey. Eventually you will get to the Internet, it will still be there. Pick up some bowfruit or a FanMilk with a Pineapple Fanta along the way. So it takes 15 min to log onto your email once you finally get to Emerson. You aren't going to get any extra points at the end of the day for squishing as much as humanly possible into one day. So every moment of everyday isn't planned out for you. So your plans fell though. C'est la vie! It's only an opportunity to go on another adventure.

Back here I have begun to fill up my day planner, I have started to get into the mode where every day needs to be planned at least a week in advance. I gotta be here at one time and then right after I have to leave for this and be there by that time. I try to remind myself to breathe and think (or for that matter don't)! Take a step back, and don't overwhelm yourself to easily.

That's it. That's how I felt before I left: totally and completely overwhelmed. While I was in Ghana, even if I knew that I had things to accomplish- not a big deal, it will get done. Now- back in Skippack- I am freaking out already about things that I need to complete two weeks from now. I really, REALLY don't like this. It appears to me that in the life style created in the American culture, and in some sense even my own personal culture that I have created- I have not given myself time to appreciate. The little things, the big things, things that seem mundane. It's a new goal of mine.

I've cried 5 out of the past 9 days. Partly because I know that I have closed another chapter in my book. A chapter that was so exciting and new and challenging but great fun all at the same time. And how fleeting it was. I blinked and those 3 weeks with the whole group were gone. Then 4 weeks and Katie left me. Then 5 weeks and I departed Ghana with a heavy heart.

I know that even if..no scratch that...WHEN I go back to Ghana and Hohoe, it won't be the same experience. The same people won't be there with me. But I keep saying to myself that if I could have those feelings and experiences all the time, I would never know how to fully appreciate them. I am grateful to the universe for giving me everything that was encompassed in the planning of and the adventures during my trip to Africa.

Okay make that now 6 out of the past 9 days since I have been home. As I re-read that paragraph, I could not help but shed another tear (or 10). I really did feel like I had a sense of my purpose while in Hohoe. I felt needed and loved (loved not because I had to be, not because I was family) but because they genuinely cared for me. They were grateful for my contribution to their lives. I felt like I knew why I was there. I grew to love the people and the town, the culture and music- and yes, even the goats. Worse yet, I have no one to sympathize with here at home. Every one who could sympathize with me either lives in California, or Canada, or Seattle, or Florida, or Wales. A pleasant phone call is comforting but not enough.
No matter how much I try to tell to my loved ones here at home, no matter how much they have followed my blog, what I gained from being over there and what I experienced first hand is unexplainable. And because of that I feel alone again.

I feel like I have been thrown back in the deep end and I am just treading water again.